Jack Of All Trades (Erotica)

Douglas smiled and nodded, not trusting his voice.

“OK, I’ll have my office write it up and send it to your address,” Jack said patting his pocket where the business card was. “It was nice meeting you, Mr. Stanfield!”

Jack left the room and made his way back to his office. He plucked a wide blue rubber band from the bag and used it to tie his hair back. Then he tucked the bag into his pocket. His neck already felt cooler.

He filled in Leffera about the meeting so she could take Mr. Stanfield off the appointment list and add him to the acceptance list. She’d also take care of the recommendation letter. Jack handed her the business card as she’d enter all of his information into their system. He pulled the bag of rubber bands from his pocket and looked at it. He dumped half of the contents on her desk then put the bag back into his pocket.

He went to his office to catch up on his paperwork. Ugh.

****

When it was time to go buy a tuxedo he grabbed his hoodie from the hook behind his office door, went downstairs and grabbed a cab over to the Gate terminal. He saw Bal and Gee waiting for him but they were looking the other way. Feeling playful he decided to play a little prank on them. He reached into his pocket and pulled out two rubber bands. He snuck a little closer and hooked the two bands over two fingers, pulled back and let them fly.

Snap! Right in the back for both of them!

They jumped and instantly had some kind of weapon drawn and pointed at him. He raised his hands, suddenly realizing how stupid it was to even pretend attack trained and armed agents.

They sighed and tucked the devices away. Gee looked down and picked up the rubber bands. She passed one to Bal. They were both fascinated. Gee walked over and stood close to him.

“Where did you get this weapon?” she asked sternly.

“It’s not a weapon. It’s a rubber band. From Earth. They come in all colors and sizes.”

Gee forced her hands into his front pockets and found the bag of samples while he yelped at her intrusion.

“I’m confiscating these weapons,” she said looking up at his face.

“Hey! I need those… to, uh, show the Trade Commission staff so we can make an order.” Bal scowled at him then she and Gee walked into the terminal. He hustled after them. They made their arrangements with the customs and security agent and walked towards their Gate to Earth. Bal was still scowling at him.

“What!” he barked.

“You cut your hair,” she said disapprovingly.

He was a little surprised that she cared. “No, I didn’t. See?” He turned so she could see his hair was actually bundled in a ponytail. She’d just missed it due to the angle she’d been looking at him from.

“How is your hair staying like that?” she dropped the scowl and looked at him curiously.

“With a thing that ISN’T a weapon! And no you can’t have it,” he said to block Gee from retrieving it. She just gave him an annoyed look. Jack pulled the hoodie on and covered his head. Bal’s scowl came back and he rolled his eyes. They walked through the gate. They got through the customs and security station with less fuss this time though both Bal and Gee had to carry the tracer bands as his Diplomatic status required. They still refused to wear them which was fine with him.

Once they were in the limo he asked the map to display options for purchasing a tuxedo. The screen showed him many options but he narrowed it down to those that offered onsite and immediate tailoring. He selected a shop in an expensive shopping district as he recalled the shop in question had an excellent reputation. Then they were on their way.

Gee and Bal were going through the different sized rubber bands in the little bag.

“I do need that back,” Jack said but Gee ignored him with just a glance.

Jack sat quietly fuming for a bit then he thought of another tack. “I used to get into all kinds of mischief with rubber bands when I was younger. Much like I did with you two. I got into a lot of trouble in school and spent a lot of time in detention.” He peeled a little piece of paper from a business card someone had left in the limo. He folded it over a few times to make a narrow strip. The two ebony Altarians were now taking turns watching him while the other scanned the vehicles passing and following them.

Jack held out his hand. “Give me one of the rubber bands.”

Gee frowned at him suspiciously then reluctantly handed him a red one.

Jack’s grin grew as he saw the band was perfect for his needs. He stretched it between his thumb and index finger. With his other hand he folded the paper strip in half and put the little V over the rubber band then pinched it closed and pulled it back aiming at the floor.

“We used this method for exchanging notes across the classroom. The fun part was trying to make your friend make a noise when you’d painfully bean him on the arm. Then he’d get in trouble with the teacher and you’d pretend to be doing your school work,” Jack chuckled at the memory. He had the attention of both agents now.

He pulled back and fired the paper at the window expecting it to bounce back but the window was just a low energy shield meant to block the wind. The paper projectile shot through and crossed into the next lane of flying vehicles.

Into the open window of a passing police cruiser and off the nose of the officer. The man had his window open to release the noxious smoke of an old school cigar he was illicitly smoking while on patrol. He dropped the smouldering thing into his lap and struggled to get it back as it burned the fabric of his pants and the seat.

Back in the limo the two agents looked at Jack with wide eyes as he stared back at the wobbling police cruiser. “Shit!” he cursed.

“Give me the weapon. It is too dangerous in your hands,” Gee said and Jack dropped the band onto her open palm.

The cruiser dropped below the flow of traffic as it went on manual and they saw it swing back to catch up to them. The limo beeped as it went under the control of the cruiser and it slowly descended. It stopped in a park and the cruiser parked behind it. The engine shut down.

Bal and Gee prepared for a fight and Jack gestured for them to stand down. “This is a police officer. I need to speak with him as I think I might have hit him with that paper.”

The officer stepped out of his cruiser, its door expanding to serve as a shield. He stood behind its protection with his weapon drawn.

“EXIT FROM THE VEHICLE SLOWLY WITH YOUR HANDS IN PLAIN SIGHT!” his amplified voice called out. One of the limo’s doors opened. Bal stepped out first, followed by Jack then Gee.

“YOU IN THE MIDDLE, PUSH THE HOOD BACK, SLOWLY.”

Jack lifted his hands deliberately and slid the hood back.

“Oh shit,” the officer’s voice growled. The shield dropped and the red faced cop stomped over to the limo.Copyright Nôv/el/Dra/ma.Org.

“I’m terribly sorry Officer… Truman!” he read from the man’s badge. “I had no idea it would get through the window. I thought it would bounce back so I didn’t even consider looking at what might be passing by!”

“What the FUCK did you hit me with?” Truman growled.

“Just a little piece of folded paper fired with a rubber band. Like kids do in school. Like I used to,” Jack finished weakly.

The man’s face was still an unhealthy shade of red and Jack picked up the stink of cigar on the man’s uniform then he smelled something else. He looked at Gee and Bal who were both trying to get his attention. He started to turn to them.

“Never mind the alien bitches, you look me in the eye here,” Truman growled catching Jack’s full attention. NO ONE called his friends ‘bitches’.

“I oughta run you in for assaulting an officer but we both know you’d just walk away spotless because of some political protection bullshit!”

Gee and Bal were both quite agitated by this point and Officer Truman turned on them. “Settle the fuck down while I talk with your master!”

While he turned his head Jack got to see what the two Altarians were upset about.

“OFFICER TRUMAN! You will NOT speak to my security escort in this manner. Yes, I have diplomatic immunity so it would be pointless to arrest me. I understand you are upset but before this gets any uglier you should know your cruiser is on fire.”

The man’s face went from anger to shock in a flash and he spun back to see flames begin to lick at the combustible materials on the vehicle’s dash. Jack and his escorts moved a safe distance away.

A Fire Truck descended and blasted the vehicle with foam. Truman was too close and got doused as well. A smaller vehicle with Fire Chief emblazoned on its side settled down a distance away and a large man stepped out to cross over to them. Truman was looking a little panicky.

“What are you doing here?” the officer blustered.

“We were contacted by your cruiser saying it had detected fire but its suppression systems had been disabled. That’s something I can’t ignore Officer Truman,” the Fire Chief said bluntly. He turned to face Jack.

“And you would be the Altarian Ambassador Jack Danner?” he said with a smile.

“Yes,” Jack smiled.

“Fire Chief Malcolm O’Dwyer. Would it be okay if I took a picture of us together? My wife would kill me if I didn’t,” the big man asked.

“Glad to,” Jack grinned.

“Officer Truman, make yourself useful and take our picture! Take a few,” O’Dwyer barked handing the miserable cop his device.

Jack, Bal, and Gee posed for a few pictures with the Fire Chief then O’Dwyer took his phone back and reviewed them. He looked very pleased.

“Thanks! She’ll be delighted! I suppose you should be on your way. I’m sure Officer Truman is finished.” Jack and Truman both caught O’Dwyer’s double meaning.

“Is our limo still under the control of the cruiser?” Jack asked and they all looked at the foam filled carcass of the dead cruiser.

“Oh, probably. I’ll call you another,” O’Dwyer glared at Truman and made a call.

Thirty minutes later Jack was following Bal into the men’s dress apparel shop, his hood back in place covering his horns. Gee followed him in and quickly assessed the solitary customer standing at the counter and the two shop staff. She dismissed them as threats and took up station a distance from the door. Bal was off to the side of the back door.