fantishu
Chapter 24
A kink love triangle for the holidays? Yes, that’s what I’ve found myself in. My own fault, of course.
This isn’t me. This is not who I am. I’m a one man at a time kind of gal. And yet, here I am.
I should be working but instead I keep looking at my notifications on Dark Secrets to see if WinterWatcher has messaged me—he hasn’t. I keep looking at my texts to see if Jack has texted me back—he hasn’t.
Maybe I’m delusional in thinking either are interested in me. Am I reading too much into things?
I sigh and put my phone down, trying to focus on the jewelry displayed in front of me. I need to come up with some catchy content. The perfect song or maybe lip-syncing? But my thoughts blur together, my mind wandering back to memories of last night. On how WinterWatcher made me come in front of all those people.
But then there’s Jack. Sweet, funny Jack who I still thought of as WinterWatcher had his fingers buried inside of me. I don’t want to admit that fact, but it’s true. Jack remained.
And when I found myself standing at Jack’s apartment building last night, had he been home . . . I would have fucked him. I needed to fuck him.
But was I imagining the spark between us? He’s barely made a move on me. Not really anything. Not a kiss. Just . . . some flirting and a sweet connection.
“Focus,” I mutter to myself, picking up a delicate silver necklace. I hold it up to the light, trying to think of a clever caption. But all I can picture is WinterWatcher fastening it around my neck to the point where I can barely breathe.
Yes . . . choke me with it.
I shake my head, trying to clear the erotic thoughts. This is getting out of hand. I need to work, for god’s sake. I need to be professional.
But as I set the necklace down, my phone buzzes. My heart leaps into my throat. Is it him? Which him?
I grab my phone, fumbling in my haste. It’s Sloane, no doubt checking on me from last night. I went looking for her after my experience with WinterWatcher, she was nowhere to be found. I know Sloane is a big girl and could take care of herself, but it’s still good to see her finally call me back.
“You alive?” I say the minute I answer. “I’ve been texting you.”
“Yeah, I’m alive,” Sloane’s voice comes through, sounding a bit groggy. “Sorry, I crashed hard last night. Didn’t even hear my phone.”
“Hot night?”
“Jesus no,” she groans. “When you went off with sexy masked man, I was left with this guy who kept trying to impress me with his crypto portfolio. I swear, if I hear the word ‘blockchain’ one more time, I’m going to scream.”
I laugh, picturing Sloane’s exasperated face. “Oh no, that sounds awful.”
“It was. I ended up faking a phone call and bolting. How about you? Did Mr. Mysterious live up to expectations?”
My cheeks flush hot as the memories flood back. “He, um . . . he certainly did.”
“Ooh, spill the tea, girl! I want all the juicy details.”
“Let’s just say it was intense. Very intense. And very public.”
Sloane gasps. “You didn’t! You fucked right there at the club?”
“Not quite, but . . . close enough. God, Sloane, I don’t know what came over me. I’ve never done anything like that before.”
“Hey, no judgment here.”
“I know, I just . . . I feel so conflicted. It was amazing in the moment, but now I’m questioning everything.”
“That’s totally normal,” Sloane reassures me. “First time experiences like that can be overwhelming. But hey, you’re a consenting adult. As long as you felt safe and respected, there’s nothing wrong with exploring your desires.”
“I guess,” I say, still uncertain. “It’s just . . . there’s more to it.”
“More? What do you mean?”
“The fireman,” I remind. “I actually called out Jack’s name as I was getting ready to come.”
She gasps. “You. Did. Not.”
“I covered fast. Or at least I think I did, but yeah. The first name that came to mind was Jack’s. And then afterward, when the night was over, I went to Jack’s apartment.”
“You fucked the fireman!”
“No. But I wanted to. He wasn’t home.”
I can hear Sloane’s sharp intake of breath through the phone. “Oh honey, you’ve got it bad.”
“I know,” I groan, rubbing my forehead. “I don’t know what to do. It’s like I’m losing my mind.”
“Okay, let’s break this down,” Sloane says, her voice taking on that no-nonsense tone she uses when she’s about to dispense advice. “You’ve got the mysterious, kinky guy who clearly knows how to push all your buttons. And then you’ve got the sweet, funny fireman who you can’t stop thinking about. Am I getting this right?”
“Pretty much,” I admit.
“And playing with both is out of the equation?”
“I can’t do that. I’m a one man kind of girl. Look how torn I am now, and I’m not even officially dating either of them. Jack and I haven’t even had a kiss or a real first date yet. And I don’t even know Mystery Man’s real name.”
“All right, all right,” Sloane says, her voice softening. “I get it. You’re not built for the poly life. So let’s think about this logically. What does each guy bring to the table?”
I pause, considering. “WinterWatcher . . . he’s exciting. Dangerous, almost. He makes me feel things I’ve never felt before. But Jack . . . he makes me laugh. He makes me feel safe and protected.”
“Hmm,” Sloane hums thoughtfully. “Sounds like you’ve got quite the dilemma on your hands. But let me ask you this—which one do you see a future with?”
I pause, caught off guard by her question. It’s not something I’ve allowed myself to consider yet. “I . . . I don’t know. I mean, I barely know WinterWatcher. He could be anyone behind that mask. And Jack . . . well, we’re just getting to know each other too.”
“True but humor me. Close your eyes and picture yourself a year from now. Who do you see by your side?”
I do as she says, letting my eyes drift shut. In my mind’s eye, I see a cozy living room, a Christmas tree sparkling in the corner. And there, on the couch . . .
“Jack,” I whisper, opening my eyes. “I see Jack.”
“Well, there you have it,” Sloane says, a smile in her voice. “Sounds like your heart knows what it wants, even if your libido is a bit conflicted.”
“But what about the excitement? The passion?” I ask, thinking of WinterWatcher’s skilled touch.
“I think having a fireman’s hose inside you is exciting enough,” Sloane says with a loud laugh.
“Sloane! You aren’t helping.”
“Well, here you are telling me that a fireman isn’t exciting. I’m calling you out on your bullshit. Find me a fireman. I want to be a badge bunny or a hose hoe. Sign me up!”
“Hose hoe? Are you kidding me? There are names?” I’m laughing even though I shouldn’t be.
“Oh yeah. Fireflies, bunker bunny. They all want to join the circle jerk. I can’t say I blame them. So see? Keeping Jack is a good thing.”
“But I want . . . I have fantasies. Dark Secrets has opened something up deep inside of me.”Content (C) Nôv/elDra/ma.Org.
“Honey, passion can be cultivated. If Jack’s the one you want a future with, then you two can explore and grow together. Who knows? Maybe he’s got a kinky side waiting to be unleashed.”
There’s no way I can’t laugh at that. “Maybe you’re right.”
“Of course I’m right. I’m always right,” Sloane says smugly.
But then I think of ending it with WinterWatcher and my gut twists. I don’t want that. Waiting for his message is like waiting for Christmas morning as a kid. Yes, I know nothing about this man other than what gets him hard. But . . . I don’t want to let him go either.
“I’ve been the good girl my entire life. The people pleaser. The one that settles. Accepts. Being on Dark Secrets . . . it lets me unleash another side of myself.” I pause, surprised by what I’m realizing. “I really, really like that side. And this WinterWatcher guy, he gets that. I think Jack may represent the side of me that’s safe and familiar. The side everyone expects me to be.”
Sloane is quiet for a moment, considering my words. “I get that. But who says you can’t be both? You don’t have to choose between being ‘good’ and being ‘dirty.’ The right person will accept all sides of you.”
I sigh, fiddling with the necklace again, remembering how WinterWatcher had untied the ribbon around my neck. Jesus the man was hot. So fucking hot.
“I suppose you’re right. It’s just . . . I’m not sure Jack is that person.”
“Well then, maybe you need to end it with Jack,” Sloane suggests, and I hate those words just as much as ending it with WinterWatcher.
I groan, feeling more confused than ever. “I don’t know if I can end it with either of them.”
“Then maybe you need more time,” Sloane says gently. “You don’t have to make a decision right this second. Why not spend more time with both of them and see how things develop?”
“But isn’t that leading them on?” I ask, guilt gnawing at me.
“Not if you’re honest about where you’re at,” Sloane points out. “You can tell them both that you’re exploring your options and not ready for anything exclusive yet. That way, everyone’s on the same page.”
I consider this, turning the idea over in my mind. It feels a bit uncomfortable, but also . . . freeing. “I guess that could work. But what if they’re not okay with it?”
“Then that’s valuable information too,” Sloane says. “If either of them can’t handle you taking the time you need to figure things out, then maybe they’re not the right fit for you anyway.”
She has a point. I take a deep breath, feeling some of the tension leave my body. “Okay. Yeah. I think I can do that. I may feel guilty though.”
“Screw guilt. You aren’t doing anything wrong. It’s not like you are declaring your love, nor are they. Yet.”
I take a deep breath.
“And you shouldn’t spend the holidays alone anyway. This is good for you. You deserve this after all the pain you’ve been through. It’s about time you had a holly jolly holiday.”
“You’re right. I am tired of moping around and feeling sorry for myself.”
“That’s my girl,” Sloane says warmly. “Just remember, you’re allowed to take your time. You’re allowed to explore. And most importantly, you’re allowed to put yourself first. It’s time to do you. Chloe era.”
As I’m about to respond, my phone buzzes with a new notification. My heart leaps as I see it’s a message from WinterWatcher on Dark Secrets.
“Oh god,” I whisper.
“What? What is it?” Sloane asks, concern in her voice.
“It’s him. WinterWatcher. He just messaged me.”
“Well, don’t leave me hanging! What does it say?”
I swallow hard, my finger hovering over the notification. “I . . . I haven’t opened it yet.”
“Girl, if you don’t open that message right now, I swear I’ll reach through this phone and do it myself!”
Laughing nervously, I tap the notification. The app opens, revealing his message:
Last night was unforgettable. I can’t stop thinking about you. When can I see you again?
My breath catches in my throat. “Oh wow.”
“What? What did he say?” Sloane demands.
I read her the message, my voice shaky.
“Damn,” Sloane whistles. “Sounds like Mr. Mysterious is just as smitten as you are.”
“Yeah,” I say, staring at the screen. “What do I do now?”
“Well, if you’re going with the ‘explore your options’ plan, I’d say you message him back. Set up another meeting. But be clear about where you stand.”
I nod, even though she can’t see me. “Right. Okay. I can do that.”