For The Stars Have Sinned

My heart is pounding. I can’t help it. I don’t even know what can be done to get rid of my feelings for him. Nope. I don’t know — or it’s more correct to say I have no intention of letting go of my feelings for Levi.

He’s the first. Out of the many men who came into my life, he was the only one who stood out. I can’t explain why. If only I could pull him to my side… If only I could.

I stepped back and pushed him lightly. He turned his face away from me. “Rish?” His eyes were asking.

I looked away and panted slightly. “W-What are you doing, L-Levi?”

“Kissing you.”

I quickly stared into his eyes again. I’m not stupid. I know he’s kissing me. “I mean… Nicole. How about her?”

He frowned. “What about her?”

“She’s… Uhm…” What is the relationship between the two? I touched my cheek. “Your fling?” I sighed. Of course. I knew that I was more of a fling than Nicole who’s been with him the all this time. But he said it that Nicole’s not his girlfriend. So they were just being a lovey-dovey. What an eyesore.

“She’s just my friend,” he defended.

“Even so. She’s in love with you. And we kissed. It’s not right!”

The corner of his lips curled up. He reached for my cheek and ran his thumb over my bottom lip. I was out of breath. My lips parted at what he did. I gasped when he tried to insert his finger onto my mouth.

I immediately retreated. “Levi!”

He laughed, shaking his head. “Don’t think of other things when I’m with you, Rish. I want you whole.”

I covered my mouth. I tasted the cigarette butt from his finger and I frowned. “You smoke?”

He shrugged and opened the passenger door. “Get inside. I wanna show you things.”

“Things like?”

“Rish.” He smiled. “Get in the car first.”

I stared at Levi for a few seconds. He was smiling, and the cowlick on his forehead was very attractive. It was something that suits him. I swallowed and smiled wryly. “O-Okay.”

I approached and entered. I sat in the passenger seat while he closed the door and went around the front. He quickly got in and sat in the driver’s door. I turned to him. He stared at the front for a moment before slowly unbuttoning the upper part of his polo shirt.

I cleared a throat as my cheeks warmed up. “L-Levi?”

At first he didn’t say anything but when I called him again, he came to his senses. He stopped what he was doing. “Why?” he asked and glanced at me at the rearview mirror.

“What were you going to show?”

“Later.”

“Uh, where are we going?”

“Somewhere.”

“Uhm…” I looked down. “Is what I’m wearing okay? Isn’t it embarrassing?”

Only then did he glanced my way and smiled a bit. “You look decent.” He put his attention back at the front and started the engine. I smiled. At least my money wasn’t wasted —- “But I like it better if you expose more skin. That will turn me on real hard.”

I don’t know whether to smile or grimace at what he said. He seemed serious but there was a little playful smile at the corner of his lips. I just chose to look outside the window.

This was my first date with Levi, so I wasn’t surprised that there were things about him that I didn’t know yet. But even so, the pounding of my heart still doesn’t subside. And the longer I was in his car, the faster it beats. It’s overwhelming me.

He took me to an abandoned four-storey building. I looked up at the building and glanced at him who was still seating in the driver’s seat.

“Levi? What are we doing here?” I asked and pointed a finger on the dark building in front. “It’s creepy.”

He smiled. “Haven’t I told you that I will show you things?”

“Uh…” Yea, but I didn’t expect it to be some kind of horror, did I?

He reached for my hand and squeezed it. “Trust me. I will never hurt you, Rishel.”

“Of c-course.”

He got out of the car and quickly walked in front to open the passenger door for me, and even extended his hand in front. I immediately put my hand onto his outstretched hand and smiled.

“Isn’t that place a little too creepy?” I asked. I feel that there is a ghost or an evil person who will attack us inside.

He laughed. “Evils will never lay a hand on us. I promise.”

I just forced a smile and hooked my hand on his arm. He put his arm around me and we went inside together. There’s a light in the corregidor, and that’s the only thing that lights up the whole building. I could barely see the corner because the light from the row of bulbs above was dim.

“Levi?”

“Hmm?”

“Uhm, do you love Nicole?”

“No.”

I looked at him. “Then… do you have a crush on someone right now?”

“Why?”

“Because…” I swallowed and looked ahead again. “I want to know why you kissed me under the sea.”

“I find you… Beautiful.”

“Really?” I smiled.

“You have a gentle soul. I’m attracted to women like you, Rish.”Content bel0ngs to Nôvel(D)r/a/ma.Org.

I looked down so he wouldn’t see how red my cheeks were. Ah, he’s so sweet. I was very fortunate to meet him! “T-Thank you.”

He didn’t say a word after until we reached the rooftop of the building. We walked for a few seconds before my feet halted. I saw a large picnic banquet laid out. There was a picnic basket on the side and wine. There were also glasses and plates. Uh, we’re going to have a picnic under the stars?

“I can’t date you openly so I set it up earlier. Do you like it?” he asked.

“Uh…” I searched for the words to say. “I’m quite… surprised.”

He laughed. “I like that face.”

He invited me closer to the picnic blanket. He sat me down while he laid out the utensils in front of me and took out the wrapped food from the basket.

“Is it your first time to prepare a picnic under the stars?” I asked.

He shook his head. “I’ve done this alone years ago.”

“Alone?”

He stared at me. “After my parents died.”

“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.”

“No need to apologize.”

I didn’t know what to say so I shared the food he prepared with him and we silently ate them. Well, the dish was delicious. I took a sip and cleared my throat. “Did you cook these?”

He nodded. “Does it taste bad?”

“No. It’s delicious actually.”

“Glad you like it. I find it hard to cook these days.” He sipped wine from the wine glass while staring at me. He lowered then the glass. “Too busy.”

“It’s good that you managed to cook everything today.” I smiled and tucked the stray hair behind my ear. If he’s busy, that means I’m special so he did actually cook for me despite his busy schedule. Ah, Levi’s really sweet.

“It’s for you, Rish. Besides, the concert was over.”

“Y-Yeah. Thank you for your efforts. I appreciate it.”

He smiled and took another sip of wine while keeping his eyes on my face. I kept looking away. My cheeks ware red from the way he stared.

I suddenly stopped when I remembered something and asked, “Is Maingey okay with us being here?”

“Why not? It’s my date, not hers.”

“Ah. And Tiden?”

He was silent for a moment before he smiled. “He’s with the team. Don’t worry about him, Rish. He can handle.”

I just tried to smile at him while reaching for the wine glass and taking a sip. I suddenly missed Tiden’s voice. I have not spoken to him even once today. Which was rare. He’s not the type who wouldn’t call even once. Even so, I always see Tiden as a father who’s very passionate for his daughter’s well being.

I smiled and put down the wine glass. I ran my tongue over my lower lip and looked at the wine bottle. “Did you put something in the wine?” I frowned. “It’s like… Uh, something’s wrong, huh.”

“Wrong?” he asked, smiling a little.

I shook my head to get rid of the dizziness. “Um… My vision’s spinning.” I closed my eyes tight and massaged my temple. I felt him holding both of my shoulders. It seemed to keep me sitting up straight. I smiled while my eyes were closed. “Am I pretty, Levi?” I suddenly asked.

“Hmm…” I felt his hot breath on my ear. “You’re beautiful.”

I giggled and opened my eyes. I blinked to focus my gaze on his face. “You know… Levi, when I saw you for the first time, I already had a crush on you.”

“Crush…”

“Yes, crush.” I grinned and poked his cheek. “Because you’re so handsome. You got me hook by your face!”

I saw his smile. My vision wasn’t very clear so I wasn’t sure if he actually smiled. I shook my head again. “Levi, I like you. But now?” I frowned. “I don’t know why my chest is pounding. Every time I see you, I feel like I’m going to faint from lack of air. I can’t breathe properly when you’re around.” I sighed and shook my head. “Seriously, what did you do to me, huh? *hiccup*.”

“Rish.”

“Then… Then it hurts me when I see you and Nicole. You’re really bad for me. You’re so dumb.” I sniffed. “I saw you with her. I don’t understand why it’s like a knife stabbing my chest. I’m in so much pain. Having a crush on you might be an understatement. And it’s so bad for me because you’re an idol.”

I cried. “L-Levi, it’s hard to keep my feelings like this.” I wiped the tears from my cheeks. “Earlier, when I saw you waiting for me, it was like I saw stars. Twinkling. And my heart…” I took his hand and placed it on my chest. I noticed the shock on his face. I sniffed again. “Do you hear its fast beating?” I cried again. “Levi, I think I’ve fallen for you.”

He stared at me for a few minutes, lips parted in shock. Until I felt him pull me into a hug. He gently patted my shoulder. “Why are you crying, Rish?”

“Because I know you won’t reciprocate my love for you. Because I can’t hold you, and even if I shout to the world that I love you, you won’t know it from the many women who love you. The pain is unbearable. I think it’s worse than one-sided love.” I laughed softly even though I was choking back tears.

“Every concert, you are there on stage while I am there in the corner supporting you. And how many times have I dreamed of getting close to you so that I can tell you that even if another Vinepress leaves you, I will never leave you because I’m your number one fan. Because I love you. I’ll never get tired of supporting you in everything, Levi. So don’t give up. Because I’m still here and ready to support you until the end.”

He hugged me tighter. I buried my face in his chest and cried there. This might be the last time I can be with him, and hug him, so I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him even tighter. “I love you so much, Levi. Even if I’m not the one in your heart, know that I won’t let you go. And even… even if this is the first and last time I’ll hug you like this, I’m happy. At least, I got the chance to confess to you. And this memory will remain in my heart.”

I loosened my grip and looked into his eyes. I kissed both of his cheeks. “So be happy. Reach all your dreams. And when you’re at the top, expect me to be there in the corner and quietly looking and celebrating with you because you’ve reached your dream. That’s all I ask of you. Don’t give up. Where you’re happy, I’ll be there.”

He grabbed both of my hands that were holding both of his cheeks and gently squeezed them. “I don’t know that a person like you exists. If only I knew from the start where to find you, I will not hesitate to go after you, Rishel.”

I smiled while crying. “I was just there in the audience, eh. Smiling, crying tears of joy, and secretly loving you.”

“Rish…”

“I accept it. It’s just more painful because you didn’t know then that there was Rishel Joy Larica who admires you, that I existed in the world. But it’s okay, I understood. I have been loving someone who’s admired by everyone . You are so close yet so far… I can’t reach you, Levi.”

He pinned the strand of hair that escaped in my face onto my ear. He gently caressed my cheek. “Hearing those words from you makes me hope once more. Rish, you have won me.” He stared hard into my eyes. “I will protect you at all costs. I will not let them kill you too.”

“Huh?” My forehead furrowed slightly. My vision spinned again so I closed my eyes. “W-What do you mean, L-Levi?”

He brought my head to his shoulder. I smiled and moved closer to him. I buried my face in his neck and inhaled his scent. His arms wrapped around my body. “I will protect you from them. Sleep in my arms. You’re safe here, Rish.”

“L-Levi,” I whispered. “I love you.”

“I know now. Shh…”

I felt hot tears forming in the corner of my eyes. “L-Levi, when I wake up tomorrow, will you still be here? I’ll still be hugging you, right?”

“No. It’s better that you’ll stay away from me, Rishel. Don’t stay close with me like this. Or you’ll dig your own grave.”

“A-ah…” I swallowed. “Will I go back to the beginning? Will I go back to the corner where you don’t even look at my way? Will we go back to the way we used to be like strangers? Will the old one that I secretly love and hurt come back to? Is that it, Levi?”

I tried to open my blurred vision but I couldn’t. I felt him holding my hand. He kissed the back of my palm and squeezed gently. I reciprocated with a squeeze.

“That’s for the best, Rishel.”

“But Levi…” Tears rolled down my cheeks. “I’m afraid you’ll forget me.”

“Don’t worry. I won’t forget you, Rishell.”

I held his hand close to my heart. I tried to remember his smell, the softness of his hand, the warmth of his body, his gentle caress in my hair, the touch of his lips on my forehead, and how he clasped our hands together. I teared up even more.

Instead of climbing, I fell for Levi even more. Ruined and crushed into pieces.

I don’t know where to get strength tomorrow. I didn’t know I would be hurt. If only I had known before, I would have stopped it a long time ago but it was too late. I can’t control my heart anymore. Only Levi and no one else.