Diary of Fragile Heart (Spin of Loving You Too Long)

Dear Diary

Long time no see

My greeting for you that I copied from someone who always greets anyone he knows, whether it’s someone he loves or just a friend…

Long time no see

The first sentence he uttered with a smile that made my heart beat uncontrollably…

The sentence that made me understand what admiration is, since I was 13 years old…

And when was that?

Ten years ago?

I never thought that the owner of that sentence could be seen by me again now, after five years of not meeting…

Yes, not with me, because with his core family, he always meets.

It’s just me who always avoids every time I find out about his whereabouts…

Am I wrong, Diary?

Ten years of harboring feelings that initially I thought were just admiration for his handsomeness, intelligence, and humor…

He, whom I initially admired when I was just a naive little girl about what love is, only considered him as an elder brother figure that I never had.

But these ten passing years have not changed the speed of my heartbeat when he looks at me, when I gaze at him.

Until my friend made me realize that this is love…

Am I in love with him, Diary?

If the restlessness when I can’t meet him, not hearing from him, can be called love. Then yes, I think I love him…

If the unwillingness every time he gets close to a woman and smiles warmly at them is love. Then yes, I think I love him…

If every time I miss him, I cry and feel a tightness in my chest. Then yes, I think I love him…

But from the beginning, I knew I wasn’t worthy.

Didn’t he say that a girl my age would be better as his niece?

I can’t force him to see me as a woman. But I can’t stop myself from seeing him as a man I adore and desire.

Dear Diary…

If only I could turn back time to ten years ago… Is it possible if I ask my God to close my eyes so I can’t see his smile, and deafen my ears from his greetings?

Because it turns out, after ten years, the small feeling has grown so big that I’m afraid there’s no room in my heart to insert another person who might love me and whom I might love someday.

If I could ask my God, would He grant it?

I want Him to touch that person’s heart for just a moment, so he looks in my direction and realizes that all this time I’ve been waiting for him, missing him, loving him?

Oh, Owner of Hearts, forgive me for being too selfish. Loving someone I shouldn’t love.

Not because I’m unworthy, because he is very worthy of love. But because I know, for him, I am not the person who deserves it, and maybe never will be.

Oh, Owner of Hearts, if You do not allow him to realize my existence, then allow me to erase his presence from my heart. Because truly, my heart can no longer wait…

Dear Diary…

Always be a reminder of this unrequited love. Be my witness to the happiness I will achieve someday. Be the memory that will remind me that at some point, I once loved.

Loving him, the one who says the phrase “Long time no see.”

****

Flavia noticed a foreign car in her driveway. It wasn’t actually a foreign car, but Gladwin’s car.

So, her uncle had decided to inform Flavia’s parents of his return. That meant the man was rested enough and ready to be teased by Flavia’s mother and siblings. Knowing this, Flavia just smiled quietly to herself.

Carrying her siblings’ shopping items to the playroom, Flavia then chose to hide in her father’s office. She had two reasons for doing so. The first reason was Gladwin, and the second reason was that she genuinely wanted to finish her work quickly.

Flavia was majoring in administration at college. However, thanks to her uncle Altezza, a skilled architect, she learned how to create building designs and use computer applications widely used by talented architects today.

Flavia had already measured the shop they were going to rent, and now she was planning its interior design before deciding on the workers who would execute it.

Her work took time, so she only came out when she needed a drink and then returned to hide behind that wide teak door.

Gladwin, who had been at Flavia’s parents’ house for quite some time, was now spending time with his two little nephews. But amidst his enjoyment, he wondered where Flavia was.

Since returning from picking up her siblings, she had been hiding in her father’s office and had not emerged again. Whether she was working or spending her time reading her favorite romance novels, Gladwin couldn’t tell.

It wasn’t until the evening that Gladwin saw the girl come out, and even then, it was only for a few seconds. She still seemed to be wearing the same clothes that Gladwin had glimpsed when she placed the groceries. Whether this was just his feeling or not, Gladwin felt like Flavia was avoiding him.

And that was indeed the truth. Flavia was intentionally avoiding the man. Even though yesterday she acted friendly and seemed casual, the reality was different. The feelings she had harbored for years made it impossible for her to stay close to Gladwin. She didn’t know how long she could continue hiding all these emotions. She was afraid that Gladwin would notice, even though she had tried very hard to forget him all this time.

Back when she was a teenager, if she expressed her feelings, Gladwin might have called what she felt a teenage crush. But now? One thing was clear; these feelings were not suitable for Flavia to express at the moment.

Flavia remained in her father’s office until the late afternoon. Not busy finishing her work, but spending time lost in thought. Reflecting on the past she had passed with various activities and various excuses to avoid and forget the man.

Yes, Flavia had spent her teenage years until now with many lies. God knows how many reasons she had created to avoid family gatherings where there would always be discussions about Gladwin.

Countless hours wasted just sitting in silence, staring at the figure of the man she missed through his social media.

Her fingers always caressed the phone screen, and her heart always uttered the man’s name. She spent her nights daydreaming about being his girlfriend. However, she always hoped that her feelings would be eroded away someday. She hoped that time would make her forget about the man.Exclusive content © by Nô(v)el/Dr/ama.Org.

But in reality, none of that ever happened. The longing she tried to trim always grew thick each time. Especially when she visited her stepmother’s mother’s house. Memories of Gladwin, conversations about the man, made Flavia feel even closer to him. As if the man never left. As if the man was always there with them.

Flavia couldn’t keep avoiding or asking everyone to change the topic of conversation. But staying there and listening to their conversations about Gladwin was also unbearable for Flavia. Fortunately, she had Abigail, who was always sensitive to her situation. Her friend always had a reason to make Flavia escape from discomfort.

If only Abigail were a man, Flavia was sure she would fall in love with Abigail.

A knock on the door made Flavia snap out of her reverie. She looked up and saw her stepmother opening the door and addressing her. “It’s already too late, finish your work for now.”

Flavia nodded awkwardly, grabbed the mouse she had been ignoring, and acted as if she were working. “Yes, Mom. Just a little more. I’ll save my work now.” Flavia replied nervously. She really saved the file she was working on and then followed her mother.

Flavia left her office and saw her father, siblings, and her crush sitting in the living room, watching TV and chatting casually. She approached her father and kissed his forehead as a habit.

“How’s everything? Is it all done?” her father inquired.

“Fifty percent done, Dad,” Flavia replied candidly, and her father nodded. “I’m going to take a shower first.” She excused herself, her father responding with a nod. She tried her best not to glance at Gladwin, fearing she wouldn’t be able to hide her admiration for him.

Trying not to run, Flavia walked quickly to her room. Instead of heading to the bathroom to freshen up, she sat on her bed, rubbed her chest, and took a slow breath.

Oh my, just a fleeting glance, and her heart was pounding so fast. What about dinner later? Flavia couldn’t keep bowing her head just to avoid eye contact with her uncle, right?

Flavia took another deep breath and exhaled slowly. ‘Whatever happens, happens,’ she whispered, reassuring herself before getting up and heading to the bathroom.

Done with her duties, Flavia came downstairs and saw her father, uncle, and her two siblings back in front of the TV. Flavia walked to the kitchen, approaching her mother who was preparing dinner.

“Mama, let me handle it. You’d better sit down. It’s not fair for you to get tired, considering the baby might get tired too,” Flavia reached for the food her mother was holding and asked her to sit at the dining table.

“It’s okay. I’m just pregnant, not sick,” her mother politely declined, but Flavia shook her head and insisted her mother sit quietly. Her mother was always enthusiastic whenever her twin sister returned, and Flavia worried she might get exhausted, especially being pregnant at the age of thirty-five, which falls into the vulnerable category.

After setting the table, her mother called everyone to sit. Antony Quirino took his place at the head of the table, with his wife Claire sitting beside him. Flavia sat to Claire’s right.

On Antony’s left, Gladwin now sat, along with Ignazio and then Francisca, whose status as the youngest would soon be replaced.

“Brother, are you moving to this city?” Claire asked, looking at her twin sister in curiosity. Flavia could see from the corner of her eye as Gladwin nodded in response. “Which hospital?” Gladwin mentioned the name of one of the renowned hospitals in their city, and it made Flavia look up and gaze at her uncle in disbelief.

Was this just a coincidence? How could her uncle work at a hospital located quite close to the location of the new cafe Flavia rented?

Of course, it was a coincidence. It couldn’t have been planned. Because if that were the case, the fire that occurred in her cafe might have been intentional. Flavia strongly rejected that idea.

“It seems fate won’t run away, huh?” Claire said enthusiastically, making Flavia tense instantly. “Later, when you officially start working, don’t forget to invite your friends to visit Via’s cafe.”

“Do I get a commission for that?” Gladwin asked mischievously, glancing at Flavia.

“Sure, yes, right, honey?” Claire nudged Flavia, who responded with her small smile.

Flavia’s silence during the remaining dinner time wasn’t unusual for her family. They understood her character, so they didn’t force her to be part of the conversation. Especially with the current issue at the cafe, they didn’t want to burden Flavia even more.

After finishing washing the dishes, Flavia excused herself again and hid in her room. Once again, using work as an excuse. No one objected, and Flavia was grateful for that understanding.

As Flavia left, Gladwin looked at his younger sister with a worried expression. “Is Flavia okay? She seems to be working too hard.”

Claire only smiled sadly but answered with a nod. It’s not that she wasn’t aware of her stepdaughter’s feelings or disregarding her daughter’s hardships. Flavia was the type of girl who didn’t want to inconvenience others and disliked having her affairs meddled with by others. So, as a mother, Claire just tried to understand her daughter’s wishes because if Flavia really wanted help, she wouldn’t hesitate to ask for it.

“She’s okay, Brother. If she can’t handle it, she’ll ask for help.” Claire tried to reassure. Gladwin didn’t comment much. Even though he felt anxious, he knew he couldn’t do much to help.

“Is it true she’s been arranged for marriage?” The question made Claire raise an eyebrow in surprise. “Abby said Grandpa and Granny arranged her with someone.” He added with a more assertive tone.

Claire lifted the corner of her mouth. “Not arranged, just… casually asked them to get to know each other. If they happen to click, great. If not, they won’t force it.”

“It still sounds forceful.” Gladwin commented curtly. “As if Flavia can’t find her future husband herself. Besides, Flavia is still young, she has plenty of time.”

“Not forceful, Brother. Flavia herself once told me she wanted to get married at a young age. But how can she get married young if she’s too focused on work and school?” Claire defended herself. “Besides, Eijaz is a good person. His character is unquestionable. He’s polite, friendly, and caring. He’s compatible with Flavia. Right, Honey?” Claire looked at her husband. Antony nodded in agreement. “What about you? Getting old but still comfortable being alone. No interest in getting married or having kids like me?”

Gladwin grinned. It’s not that he didn’t want to get married or have kids. It’s just… “I haven’t found the right one yet.” He answered shortly.

“That’s why you shouldn’t keep hanging out with books all the time.” Claire responded again.

“Honey, please mind your language.” Antony reprimanded, glancing at Ignazio and Francisca, who were also there. Even though both were engrossed in their respective toys.

“Sorry..” Claire whispered with her cheeky grin.